If its broke, don’t fix it…

“I’m not in a good place right now.  I should wait on that.”

“I’m too messed up to get involved with that.”

“I’m so broken, I don’t know how I can be of any help.”

I have uttered these phrases a few times.  Have you?  They are the excuses I use when people want me to get involved with something.  I have some pretty overwhelming struggles in my life, and of course I need to focus on those instead of adding more to my plate.  Its very logical.  It makes sense.  But is it right?  Is it true?

What if my struggle focus approach to life is the very reason I am struggling so much?  What if the best way to be apart of God’s advancing Kingdom story is to let go of our own story and focus on His?  Are we ever going to come to a place where we are cleaned up enough to be of any use?  Or will that just be self-righteousness that is actually no good to anyone?  Does God really use broken people to help broken people?

I have a theory.  My theory is that we are our main obstacle to our own growth.  It isn’t our life circumstances.  It isn’t the people that are around us.  It isn’t our society or culture.  It is ourselves.  We refuse to admit that we are not good enough.  We refuse to let go of our struggles and trust that God knows what He is doing.  In in that refusal, as we try to get our stuff in order, we miss out on the bigger things that are going on around us, the things that will surely allow us to see and reflect on the goodness of God, and lead us into a deeper relationship with Him through our worship of Him.

Life is hard.  The world is broken.  We are broken.  I am broken.  It is good to get a grip on that brokenness, to be aware of it, to face it.  But, that can’t be the end, that can’t be the goal.  The goal is to bring glory to our creator, not to bring glory to ourselves by getting out of our own brokenness.  We can’t.  Only the Lord changes hearts.

What if the way to truly move forward out of our sin is to move forward with the Kingdom, move into those places that the Lord wants to redeem, our of our heads and into the trenches?  It seems illogical to send wounded people in to aid others that are wounded.  But that is still operating out of the assumption that we have not been healed.  We still feel our brokenness, but Jesus has taken care of it.  We need to try out our new hearts, filled with His love.

Water Worship

“I just want to build water wells in Africa.”

I starred blankly at my roommate.  He had always been idealistic; big visions, little payoff.  I expected his newfound desire or “calling” to fizzle out in a week, a month tops.  Two years later, I found myself meeting Derek Webb at a charity concert he had put together to kick off a campaign he had created to help raise money to help people get clean water.

My friend Henry is a force.  He can take an idea and run with it.  And he ran with the idea of getting people to wake up, see how much we have, and how much we can do with it, with little cost to our own comfort.  And he shares the gospel while doing it.

I was talking to him on the phone this evening, hearing stories about traveling around, kicking off the 10 Days Campaign, which is taking place all across the country.  College students and others are giving up beverages (save for water) for 10 days to raise money to help fix the water crisis.  It is so surreal to think back to that initial conversation, how much doubt I had about what he could do, and to now see where he is, and what he is capable of.  And I have no doubt that this is only the beginning.

I tell this story not to brag about how cool and socially conscious my friends are (although he is cool too), but as a confession.  I don’t believe I am capable of much at all.  In fact just today I felt the must incapable I have ever felt, while I served up coffee to someone, putting my college degree to no use.  Where is my vision?  Where is my passion?  What am I doing?

But after I got of the phone with Henry, and pouted for a few minutes, I had an epiphany.  Yes, Henry is doing great things for the Kingdom.  He is meeting actual needs of people, and sharing the gospel with them and students here in the states.  He is connecting privileged college students with thirsty families in other countries with the good news of Jesus.  But more importantly, he is pointing to Jesus with his life, and God is using him.

Am I doing that with mine?  Who am I worshiping?  Who do I point to with my life?  Success on a large scale or small scale only matters if in the end we are all making big the name of Jesus.

So, as a join in the water fast, I also reflect on my life.  Do I want success for the worlds eyes or do I want to worship the Lord before men so that they may see Him and do the same?

Being

I like to do things.

I know people like to do things in general.  I like to have something to do at all times.   Nothing makes me feel out of control more than being in a situation where all is required of me is to wait, not do.

My sister had her baby this week (first time uncledom, and I am awesome at it already…the kid loves me).  While we were in the waiting room, getting updates via text from my brother-in-law, we all felt so helpless.  She was laboring away and the best way we could help in that was to wait in a room 5o yards away.  At one point I went out and bough cigars and flowers, because I just needed to do something.  I also ran errands for everyone in the waiting room (that included some In-N-Out milkshakes…delicious).  Its hard for me to feel out of control.

At one point in the long, arduous process, I just had to let go of that desire and just be.  I had to lean into the fact that God is good, He wants good things for us, and His plans are better than ours.  Only when I started meditating on those things was I able to calm down, sit, and wait for Him to work it all out.

Now I know that everyone doesn’t struggle with the feeling of doing.  I know some people need to be spurred to action more.  But I need to learn how to rest in Him more, to let go of control, and learn that, as Dr. Larry Crabb says in his book, The Silence of Adam, there is always something to be even when there is nothing to do.  So when control is out of reach (and even when it is seemingly attainable) I need to focus on the being the gospel and not doing it.

Redemption

I have been a Christian since I was 6 years old.  I have been actively seeking to live out my faith since my freshman year of high school. But I would say that its really the last year that I have surrendered my whole life and heart to the Lord.  Its been a very humbling time and I have been continually surprised by how little I understand the gospel and how gracious the Lord continues to be to me.

What is the gospel?  Its the story of how God loved us so much that he created us, allowed us to turn from him in our selfishness, then came to earth wrapped in flesh to pay the penalty, death, for our cosmic treason, and rose from the dead so that we too could walk in new life with Him.  Its the story of how He is making all things new from that point on, including our hearts.  It is God’s great narrative, His epic tale, His story of redemption.

Where I went wrong?  I thought it was about me.  When I started following really trying to follow Jesus in high school, I thought it was about a list of do’s and don’ts.  Every so often I would remind myself its not a checklist, but a relationship, but still was looking to use God as a circumstance fixer and not the God of the Universe worthy of my complete worship.  I wanted God to fix me up with a comfortable, good life.  In return, I would read my bible and tell others how good it gets when we just pray and stuff.  Its seemed like a sweet gig, except it never came to pass, and I got frustrated.

Where I am now?  Somewhere between mourning my lack of control in my own life and leaning into the bigger story that God is telling.  I would be lying if I said I didn’t still want to be the author of my life.  I think that I have a pretty good grasp on story telling, and I could make a great tale of the life of Jacob.  But I couldn’t write anything quite as good as the Author of Life.  And He has a story to tell, and I am apart of it, although it doesn’t look anything like I expect, or feel entitled to, or maybe even desire right now.  Thats right, God might want to do something in me that I don’t want Him to do.  That sounds hard, painful, uncomfortable.  But God has a bigger story to tell, one about His glory, not mine.  I am in the process of learning what it looks like to orient my heart to worship Him and lean into that bigger picture.

To be honest, it has been painful, and it sucks.  I love control, and I feel out of control most days.  I mourn my feelings, because they often don’t agree with what the Lord says is best for my life.  I cry, I get angry, and I sit on the edge of dispair.  But every so often, I get the rush of what it feels like to be caught up in something much bigger than myself, in an epic story that is unfolding before me, that is much better than I could ever have imagined.  And then I am filled with hope.  Perhaps these circumstances will reveal their meaning in time, or perhaps they won’t, but I know God is writing something good.  I lean into His goodness in my uncomfortableness, and I grow just a little in faith each time.

You see, all this mess is the story of my redemption right now.  Its ongoing.  I’ll keep you posted on the next chapter.

Carpe Diem!

 There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil.

Ecclesiastes 2:24

Ecclesiastes has been kicking me in the face lately.  When I read it, I am always transported to a time when I am old and reflecting on my life.  How will I view myself at this point in my life?  What will I think of the decisions I made, the things I devoted my time to?  Will I view them as vanity, a mere chasing after the wind?  Or, will I remember fondly how I was content and enjoyed where I was, enjoyed the life I was living?

If life is but our story unfolding over time (or better yet the story of God redeeming us over time), why are we in such a rush to reach the happily ever after?  What will happen then?  Why can we not enjoy the journey?  Is it because we don’t know the road, and we fear that unknown?  Is it because we do know the end, and we are impatient?

These are the thoughts that have been filling my head all week long.  I want to be a person that enjoys the present, whether it be painstakingly difficult or the easiest thing I have ever done, dramatic or simple, beautiful or a bit of a mess.  I don’t want to lack vision, but also I don’t want my ideas and imagination ruin the reality that is today.  This is real Carpe Diem stuff, guys!  Sieze the day.

As hokey as it all sounds, I can’t help but imagine how much more content I would be if I stopped looking for the rest, peace, “happiness” in my journey and started just enjoying the ride.  Its the only life I will ever have.  Better soak in every moment and not let one pass without being grateful to be alive.

Are you comfortable?

I have come to the realization over the last few weeks that I make comfort an idol.

I enjoy having an air conditioner, a comfortable place to sleep, clothes the I like, music that I enjoy, time to relax and unwind, control over most of my daily activities.  To be honest, I live a real comfortable life.  That thought has contributed to a bit of a pit in my stomach recently, because while comfort is nice, I don’t think its exactly what a follower of Christ is called to.  I know that I, when left to my own devices, will seek my comfort above all else, and that is not the mark of someone who is passionately following Jesus.

Now, I could take this to the extreme and sleep on the street, give all my money and possessions away, and become a vagabond, wandering around, looking for ways to be more uncomfortable, but I don’t really think that is the mark of a true follower of Christ either.

I think noticing the problem is half the battle.  I seek my comfort.  OK.  What do I do with that?

Is it enough to know that I seek my comfort, to process that and then to take that into consideration when living my life?

I am a practical person.  I like to have practical ways to go about fixing a problem I see in my life.  And that is just it, the fact that I am now aware of my comfort seeking has created an uncomfortable feeling in me.  I want to rid myself of that feeling by some action or decision.  What if, instead of spurring me to fix myself, God just reveals these things to again highlight how broken and in need of Him I really am?

I don’t have any answers.  Just a lot of questions.

First World Problems

I’ve got a lot of “first world problems” but not a lot of real problems.

What do I mean by that?

I mean that I live a really comfortable life.  I make enough money to eat and live and have fun.  I have a job, that although I feel over-educated for, pays me well enough for what it is that I do.  I have health benefits.  I have glasses, that help me see, because I have bad vision.  I have a car, that gets me from point A to B without a problem.  I have air conditioning, in this crazy summer heat.  I have free time, to read, listen to music, watch movies and TV shows.  I have people in my life, that care about me, and about the other stupid stuff that I care about.

Sometimes, I still feel really sorry for myself.  There are things I feel like I am entitled to that I don’t have, and I feel sad about that.  Entitlement.  Its a “first world” problem.  I mean if we all looked at our lives, I think we could to see that most of our problems stem from something completely ridiculous when seen in the light of what is going on all across the world.

I don’t want everyone to start feeling bad about the fact that things upset them, that in reality they should be thankful for.  I just want to have a better perspective in my life and share that perspective with others.  We are blessed.  Even if we have relatively little compared to others in our society, its still more than most other people in most other places.  We are blessed, and if we focused on our blessings instead of our problems, we would enjoy what we have more instead of pinning after what we don’t have.